AN EXPERIMENTAL ARTISTIC
ASSOCIATION PRESENTS A NON-SCIENCE-FICTION,
NOT QUITE REALISTIC AND NOT STRICTLY HISTORICAL
FILM BASED ON M. BULGAKOV’S PLAY
”IVAN VASSILYEVICH” IVAN VASSILYEVICH
CHANGES OCCUPATION Written by
V. BAKHNOV, L. GAIDAI Directed by
L. GAIDAI Directors of Photography
S. POLUYANOV, V. ABRAMOV Production Designer
Ye. KUMANKOV Music by
A. ZATSEPIN Starring YURI YAKOVLEV
LEONID KURAVLYOV ALEXANDER DEMYANENKO
SAVELY KRAMAROV NATALYA SELEZNYOVA
NATALYA BELOGORTSEVA-KRACHKOVSKAYA NATALYA KUSTINSKAYA
VLADIMIR ETUSH MIKHAIL PUGOVKIN
SERGEY FILIPPOV, and others Long live Tsar Boris Fyodorovich! Long live our father, our tsar! Glory! Damn! Hey, what’s the matter?
No electricity again! It’s outrageous!
Timofeyev has burned the fuses again! – Comrade Timofeyev, when will it end?
– I’m finishing. When will be the end
of your experiments which leave our whole building
without electricity? There you go. Ivan Vassilyevich, if you knew
what an important invention I’m working on, you wouldn’t have
said that. Experiments with electricity
should be done at your office, and at home electricity must be used
only for peaceful, domestic purposes! How many times did I tell you… I’m on leave, so I work at home.
And anyway, my experiments are safe. As the public representative,
I demand that you stop it! Today you’ve burned the fuses,
tomorrow you’ll burn the house! STUPID And what is this? You see?
That’s the result. Pah! I’ll need to raise the voltage. Dangerous! Of course, it’s dangerous,
but, as they say, nothing ventured… Your only love
is not so easily found. Our planet’s turning,
round and round. The planet’s flying
in everyday beat. It’s very hard
to fall in love on it. A winter blizzard is raging, And thunderstorms are blazing, And stars in the sky are racing,
and cities din in the rain. And people don’t see each other, They just pass by each other, They always lose each other, Never to find again. But there’s somewhere
my only love, My unforgettable, My true big love. I look for it, But in everyday beat It’s hard for us to meet. A winter blizzard is raging, And thunderstorms are blazing, And stars in the sky are racing, And cities din in the rain. And people don’t see each other, They just pass by each other, They always lose each other, Never to find again. Never to find again. I can imagine what’s going to happen! I hope we can avoid a scandal! Those scandals are so tiresome. I was divorced three times. Yes, that’s right, three times.
Zyuzin doesn’t count. I’ve never been as nervous as today. Well, I’m going to do it! Oh, Shurik! Your apparatus is going to kill you! My apparatus, Zinochka, will make me
famous. And you, too. Really? I’m sorry to bother you, but I have terrible news for you. My gloves have been stolen from me
today. And I fell in love with another man.
Do you understand, Shurik? – Yes, your gloves. What about them?
– Forget the gloves. I love another man. Well, it’s done! Only, please, no objections,
and don’t make scenes! What?
Are you asking who is the man? You probably think it’s Molchanovsky?
No, you’re wrong. Zupperman?
Wrong again. All right!
Let’s not beat about the bushes. He is… film director Yakin. Well, well, well. It’s strange though. It happens
for the first time in my life. The man is told that his wife is
leaving him, and he says, well, well. At the very least, it’s impolite. You mean that tall, blond man? Unbelievable! To show so little
interest in his own wife! The blond one is Molchanovsky.
Can’t you remember it? Molchanovsky. And Yakin is…
Yakin is very talented! What? You ask
where we’re going to live? Today we’re leaving for Gagry
to look for the film’s location. And later, he will be given a flat.
Of course, if he’s not lying. Sure, he is lying! Oh, all this is so ridiculous! To insult a man because you’re
jealous! He can’t be lying every minute! During my many sleepless nights,
I’ve been thinking, and I came to the conclusion
that we’re no match for each other. Can’t you understand, Alexander, that
I live in the world of cinema, of art! But your calmness
just amazes me! You know, Shurik, I even feel like
making a scene. – No, don’t do it.
– You think so? – I’m sure.
– A-ha. Goodbye, Shurik. But don’t cancel my house registration.
Who knows what might happen. Alexander Sergeyevich! Please, tell Zinaida Mikhailovna
that Rozalia Frantsevna said that Kapitolina Nikiforovna offered
Anna Ivanovna a fur coat… Zinaida Mikhailovna has left. – Where for?
– With her lover. What do you mean, with her lover?
And you’re so calm about it? – You’re a very strange man.
– Excuse me, I’m very busy. You are some character! If I were your wife,
I would have left, too. If you were my wife,
I would have hanged myself. You jerk! Is that the dental clinic?
Hallo? Extension 3-62? May I speak to Anton Shpak, please? Anton, that’s for you. – Who’s calling?
– A woman. Keep your mouth open. Speaking. Anton Semyonovich? Hello.
At what time do you finish today? I’m an actress. No, you don’t know me,
but I’m dying to meet you. So you work until four?
I’ll call again, I’m very persistent. I’m looking forward to it! Well, let’s continue. A.S. Shpak How lucky for me to drop by! Folks, keep your money in a bank! Naturally, if you have it! What do you care about my relations
with my wife? It’s none of your business whether
we’re divorcing or not. That’s our personal matter. No, that’s a public matter. Your
divorces lower our indices. – What do You want from me?
– Wait until the end of the quarter. Then you may divorce as much
as you like. When you’re talking, Ivan
Vassilyevich, it looks like a raving. What do you mean? And about your suspicious machine. I’m asking you to file an application. Do it, or we’ll file a complaint. Wait. Wait! There’s nothing
suspicious about my apparatus. I simply invented
a time machine. In other words, I can run through
space and go back to the past. – Go back to the past?
– Yes, to the past. These experiments, Alexander, can be done only by permission
of the appropriate authorities. Wait, Ivan Vassilyevich.
This apparatus can be very useful. Let me explain. That’s it! And now we’re going to test
the time machine. You’re witnessing
a historic event. First, we’ll try a close distance. Look,
we’re going to run through space. – Did You see it?
– What? – You see?
– What is it? What happened? Alexander Sergeyevich,
where is the wall? What is it? What’s going on?
There was a wall here! Timofeyev, you will answer for it
in court. Inventing such a machine! Go to hell
with your wall! – Half a flat has vanished.
– No big deal. What do you mean, no big deal? I’ve seen some technical wonders,
but nothing like that. – Excuse me, and who are you?
– Are you asking who I am? – I’m a friend of Anton Shpak.
– And what are you doing in his flat? What am I doing? I’m waiting for my friend. And how did you get into his flat
if he’s not here? Oh, go to hell!
What kind of questions are those? Never mind. I’ve gone through time.
I’ve made it! Tell me, can you lift
any wall like that? A wall?! Your invention is invaluable. – Congratulations.
– Thank you. Why are you staring at me? There’re
no pictures, nor flowers growing on me. You’re wearing the same imported
suede jacket as Shpak does. Really?
Ajacket? A suede jacket? Is Shpak the only one in Moscow
who has a suede jacket? What is your name? I’m an artiste of all big and small
academic theatres. And my name is too famous
to pronounce it. Do you want to get back to Shpak’s
room? I can open the wall for you. I’d better take a look at your
machine. – I like it.
– I’m very glad! You’re my first witness. It’s my first time
being a witness. Why are you staring? You’re going to
rub a hole through me with your eyes. Do you realize
what you have just seen? You bet! But tell me… Can you lift a wall like that
in a store? – My, what a useful invention!
– You came to Shapk’s with a recorder? Forget the wall. The most important thing is that
through walls I can pierce space. I can enter time.
I can go 200, 300 years back! You have ignored my question
about the tape recorder. Darn you! What a machine! A breakthrough in
science and technology! Darn you again! I can’t wait!
Let’s go back into the past and see the ancient Moscow! What are you saying, Timofeyev? Before seeing the ancient Moscow,
get a permission from the authorities! Just a minute! If you mess again with the academic’s
tests and stop technological progress… – I’m going to…
– Calm down! Calm down! I got it. Do it. – I’m so nervous.
– Don’t chicken! I’m here! …to the heavenly abode… …to the Reverend Father Superior,
Kuzma… Kuzma… the Tsar and Grand Duke of all Russia… Of all Russia… is bowing low. Go on writing. Look!
That’s Ivan the Terrible! You’re kidding! Mamma mia! The demons!
The demons! The demons! Away!
Stay away! Woe is me, the sinner!
Woe is me, cursed murderer! The evil spirit! – Wait! Where are you going? Wait!
– Go away, vanish, evil spirit! – Who are You calling?
– The police. – Put down the phone.
– What? What do you mean? – The phone! Put down the phone!
– Why? I won’t! Put down the phone, I say! – Easy! Easy!
– I’ll crush you, big hat! Where are the demons? Get them! Wait! Wait! They’ve bricked me up!
They’ve bricked me up, the demons! That’s what the life-giving cross
can do! And where’s the tsar? You shouldn’t drink so much. Where are they? Hurry! Move it! Why are they yelling? They cannot yell.
They’re all dead. See how those dead can shoot? – Open up, dog!
– Whom is he addressing? – You.
– Me?! Oh, I feel so bad!
Bespeak again, aren’t you a demon? I told you already.
I’m not a demon! Don’t dare lying to me!
You’re lying to a tsar! Not by human wish, but by God’s will,
am I the tsar! Very well!
I see that you’re a tsar… Alas, alas, I’m the tsar
Ivan Vassilyevich! Send me back, magician! I cannot! You see,
because of this pole-axe! Thank you!
The transistors have burned, so I cannot send you back
until I buy the new ones. – Buy them, then.
– The stores are closed for lunch. Oh, woe is me! – Take it easy, Ivan Vassilyevich!
– Oh, woe is me! – do You drink vodka?
– Yes, the anise one! Good. Unfortunately, there’s no anise vodka. I say, there’s no anise vodka,
only Stolichnaya! Drink it! – Taste it from My cup.
– Why? Go on, taste it… You think I want to poison you? We don’t do that any more, and in our day, you’d sooner get
poisoned with canned food, than vodka. Don’t be afraid, drink up! – Let you be healthy, Boyar!
– Your health! – Was it your housekeeper Who made it?
– Let’s suppose so. Eat something! – Who made this machine? You?
– Yes. I had a man like you.
He made wings. – Well?
– What do you mean, well? I put him on a gun-powder barrel.
It made him fly! Ha-ha! Why did you do it? No, no. I don’t drink. I don’t drink,
Ivan Vassilyevich. Thank you. – Don’t you have any respect for me?
– For God’s sake, Ivan Vassilyevich! – Then drink.
– Just a little. Enough! Enough! – Well, be healthy!
– Your health! So, you live here? – Well, very cramped quarters.
– Sure, it’s not like tsar’s chambers. – Yes, that’s right.
– Anyway, it’s an individual flat. And your woman,
is she at church? My woman eloped today with
her lover, Yakin, to the Caucasus. You are kidding?!
Did you send men to catch them? When they catch them, first thing
have Yakin impaled, and then… Why?
They’re in love with each other. I wish them every happiness. How kind you are! Oh, God! What’s going on? I sit here, while the Swedes
are taking Kem there. Send me back, Boyar. Go and buy those transistors. Just a minute. I’m busy.
Call me later. – I’m going with you.
– Right onto the street? No, Ivan Vassilyevich,
wait for me here. Hurry up, though, Boyar! I’m in a hurry myself.
I must rescue those two, as well. What’s going to happen to them? – They’ll be beheaded, that’s all.
– That’s all? To hell with them! Take the demons alive! Wait! Eureka! The tsar’s garb! Put them on.
You’ll be the tsar! No way! Put them on, or I’ll kill you! Talk to me, my dear guitar, My friend of seven strings. All my heart is open ajar, And the night with moonlight sings. Well, once,
then another time, And again many, many, many times. Yes, once and again, and again
many, many times. Blue cornflowers in the field,
A long path lies ahead. My heart is torn between the guilt
And the stars unread. Well, once, then another time, And again many, many, many times. Yes, once and again, and again
many, many times. – Well, how do I look?
– Not like him! You’re a fake! Let me tie up your teeth at least.
You’re a pain in the neck! – the other tsar looks smarter.
– Don’t get personal, please! Sit down!
Occupy yourself with matters of state. Take the stick. – Go ahead, dictate.
– Dictate what? The tsar, repeat it,
of all Russia… The tsar, repeat it,
of all Russia… Don’t repeat ”repeat it”!
Quiet! So you say:
”The tsar and Grand Duke…” I wrote it, comma. Where the hell
is our secretary? What’s up, comrades? I’m asking you,
what’s up? Who’s that parasite who dared to
break the door in the tsar’s quarters? Did they put it here
for you to break it? Go on, Your Majesty!
”…is bowing low…”, semicolon. I’m waiting for the answer
to my question! The tsar! The tsar’s here!
He’s here! The tsar’s here! Sit! Where else can he be?
The tsar’s in his place! Have mercy, don’t put me to death,
our kind sire! The demons grabbed you,
we chased them all over the palace! And, suddenly, the demons vanished! They were there, we don’t deny it.
But they self-destructed. Please, stop this ridiculous panic!
Who are you? I’m Theophanes, a clerk
at the foreign office. All right, Fedya.
You may stay here. The rest, please, leave the tsar’s
office. In other words, out! Bark at them! Out! Have mercy, Sire! Stop your somersaults! You did it
once, you did it twice. It’s enough. What’s the matter with you, Sire? Have you taken ill? Don’t sit like a dummy!
I can’t work here all alone! I’ve got a toothache. He’s got periostitis, a gumboil. – And you stop pestering the tsar!
– Yes, sir. Fedya, enough of your bowing! Are
you going to fall like that all night? – Nice to meet You.
– Don’t be angry, Boyar… but I don’t recognize you.
Are you a prince? Me? Well, I might be.
What so strange about it? How do you happen to be in the tsar’s
quarters? You weren’t here before. – Oh, Sire, who is he?
– He’s a friend of Anton Shpak’s. What a fool! The tsar says that I’m Prince
Miloslavsky. Are you satisfied? – Oh my! Stay away!
– What’s the matter? What is it? – You’ve been executed!
– That’s news to me! By the tsar’s order, you were hanged
on your own gate three days ago. Well, thanks!
I was hanged by your order. Help me out, or we’ll screw it. Why don’t you say something, bastard? Oh, now I remember!
It was not I who was hanged. What was his first name, the one
whom they hanged? – Vanka the Robber.
– You see? And I’m George. That bandit was just my namesake.
Am I right? Am I right? Please… Why are they shouting there?
Fedya, go and find out. Yes, sir. The tsar!
The tsar! Go! Go! Score! Score! The common people wish to see their
tsar who was saved. They’re rejoicing. Oh, no, it’s out of the question. We have no time for that.
We’ll rejoice later. They have to be sent away at once,
understand? Still wouldn’t say anything, damn him! – Fedya, I hope there’s no war going?
– Of course, there is, my benefactor. The Swedes are biting us, the Khan of
Crimea plays nasty on Izyum Road. – You don’t say!
– Yes. – Why do You Let them?
– Have mercy, Sire! Get up, Fyodor. I don’t blame you…
Sit down. Write down the tsar’s edict. I order
to send an army to Izyum Road
and rout the Khan of Crimea. – Period.
– Period. Sign it, our great tsar. I have no right to sign
historic documents. No, I have no right to sign… Acting for the tsar, I. Bunsha. Here, Fedya. And tell them
not to hurry back. Tell them to capture Kazan on their
way back, not to go there twice. How come? Kazan is ours.
We’ve taken it long ago. – Really?
– Sure. You were too hasty to do it.
All right, all right, then. Since it’s already taken, let it be.
Why give it back? Well, go! And in five minutes I don’t want to
see either hide or hair of them here! Mount your horses! Start a song! Early in the spring,
By a fir-tree all green, Vanyusha’s bidding farewell to his
love. Clad in a shirt of mail,
He’s saying to his gal: ”Don’t cry, Marusya, don’t cry,
my dove.” Marusya says nothing, only weeps, Her sorrow Holds her heart in grips. Drop, drop, drop! Marusya’s eyes,
so dear, Drop the tears right onto his spear. Drop, drop, drop! Marusya’s eyes,
so dear, Drop a sea of tears, Drop-drop-drop
Right onto his spear. In winter, cold ‘n’ severe,
Again under the fir-tree, Vanyusha’s being greeted by his love. Clad in a shirt of mail,
He’s saying to his gal: ”I’ve come to you, I’m back, my dove.” Marusya is so happy, she weeps, Like a psaltery,
Herjoyful heartjust sweeps. Drop, drop, drop! Marusya’s eyes,
so dear, Drop the tears right onto his spear. Drop, drop, drop! Marusya’s eyes,
so dear, drop so sweet a tear… Drop, drop Right onto his spear. Drop, drop, drop! Marusya is so happy, she weeps Like a psaltery,
Herjoyful heartjust sweeps. Well, we got things going! Why doesn’t the inventor turn
his time machine back? – What a scandal awaits me at home!
– Why? – I didn’t tell Ulyuana where I went.
– Oh, yes, of course. We couldn’t care less,
We couldn’t care less, Though owls and wolves
Make us real wuss… Alexander Sergeyevich! I’m sorry
to bother you during a family crisis. Did Ivan Vassilyevich drop by?
They’re looking for him everywhere. We couldn’t care less…
We firmly believe… CLOSED FOR INVENTORY CLOSED FOR REDECORATION What a scoundrel! I shouldn’t have confessed
to this saintly man! Shurik, are you home? Shurik! Shurik! What is that? Oh, I’ve taken the bag of that
bastard, Yakin. FILM STUDIO First, this hysterical woman
made a scene on the set, and then she mixed up our suitcases.
All this just an hour before our plane! Karp Savelyevich!
I can’t believe how lucky I am. Wait for me and I’ll be back. Hello? Anyuta, you won’t believe it! I’m flying to Gagry
with Yakin. Zinaida Mikhailovna, I think
you realize that it’s all over between us
after what you’ve done at the studio. Karp Savelyevich,
you’re a scoundrel! Please, return my bag, and here’s
yours. – I hope that all My things are in it?
– What? Oh, you bastard! You jerk! I left my husband, that saintly man
with all the accommodations, a genius, an inventor, for this scoundrel… My goodness, such brilliant lines! You haven’t heard real lines yet! And two hours before our leaving, I find him with some witch, whom he’s holding by her hand, and behaving
like a two-bitjerk. We were rehearsing a scene. This is my professional duty.
Profession de foi. Enough! I’m fed up! I’m leaving you for director Budimir Kosoy
and his production of ”Boris Godunov”. Kosoy is a fake. And you’re a failure!
For him, I’m going to play a tsarina. Kosoy hasn’t yet found anyone
for the part of Ivan the Terrible. What?
No Ivan the Terrible? – But I’ve already rehearsed with him!
– Where? Here!
Right in this room! And who’s playing Tsar Boris?
Who? What Tsar Boris? – Boriska?
– What is it? – Boriska is to become a tsar?
– What? Are you really rehearsing? That’s how he, sly fox, is paying
for the good I’ve done him? He wants to be a tsar
and take all tsardom in his hand! Death, that’s what he deserves! Oh, my God, what a character!
Bravo! Bravo! Please, go on! Why did you hurt this Boyar woman,
you lowly man? It’s great! It’s amazing!
He’s a genius! Listen, I can’t recognize you in your
makeup. Who are you? Sergey Bondarchuk?
No. Oh, you’re Yuri Nikulin!
No, no, no. Oh, my God! Innokenty Smoktunovsky! Kesha! Why didn’t you tell me? – You vagabond, you vile shrimp!
– Are you crazy? There, get it,
son of a bitch! Oh, my God! You scoundrel! Son of a bitch!
Damned adulterer! He is a real tsar! Help! Somebody! Call the police! On your knees, you worm! I’ve caught you, Yakin! Adulterer
and son of a bitch! Pray, son of a bitch!
This is your last prayer! – Oh, you’re rehearsing?
– Yes, we’re rehearsing. What do you mean, rehearsing?
Call the police! – Where are You going?
– I’m here. I’m here. You act very well! And the tsar looks very authentic… He looks just like Bunsha. I’ve been robbed, Zinaida Mikhailovna.
I’m waiting for the police with dogs. Who do you belong to? Excuse me, comrade actor,
but what do you mean, ”belong”? – Whose serf are You?
– Sorry, but I don’t understand you. A very stupid serf! Excuse me, but why do you keep
calling me a serf? – Where Did You get that word?
– It’s from the part he’s playing. That part is denigrating!
Please, don’t apply it to me! Oh, God! Some apartment house!
They rob you, they call you names! We’ll never win the honorary title of
a house of cultured communal living. This is an outrage! An outrage! Well, lascivious shrimp, beg the Boyar
woman if she giveth you life or death! – Life.
– Life. Life. Be merciful, O great tsar! Life? Be it your way. Listen to me, Karp,
but, please, don’t get excited. This is the real Ivan the Terrible! Do you remember I was telling you
about the time machine? Well, Shurik did succeed with
that experiment! – But he could have killed me!
– And would have done good! It’s crazy! What do you mean, Ivan the Terrible?
He’s been long dead! – Who’s dead?
– I didn’t mean you. I mean the other one,
the one who’s been dead… – Did You seduce the Boyar woman?
– Yes, I did. I am he… that liveth… What do you mean, you liveth,
vile dog? Look at yourself! Liveth! – Help me. Say something in Slavonic.
– Thy! Thy… thy cherub. Your Excellency, have mercy! You have misunderstood me. How can I understand you,
if you don’t say anything? I don’t know foreign languages,
your highness. – do You love this Boyar woman?
– I’m crazy about her! Look at her! Beauteous to behold, crimson in her lips, crescents in her
brows! – What more do you want, dog?
– Nothing! Then marry her, fool!
The prince is letting her go. I’m asking for your hand,
Zinaida Mikhailovna! Hello? Galya? You’re going to fall
down! I’ve got great news! Yakin has left his witch, and we’re going to Gagry. Well, you sinning beard! Should I
hear that you’ve done something… – I swear!
– Don’t interrupt the tsar! – Yes, Sire!
– I’m giving you one of my coats. – Thank him! Thank him!
– Thou art… I thank thee humbly! Sire! You can’t stay here
looking like this! People might think I don’t know what. Oh, God Almighty!
I forgot where I am, O Lord! I’ve forgotten everything! You must change your clothes,
Ivan Vassilyevich! Oh, the demons’ garb!
A temptation… My mind is all confused.
The coat, the Tsar Ivan the Terrible… Stop being so fidgety! Well, it is
Ivan the Terrible. So what? Big deal! You had better go
and help the tsar change. Yes, ma’am. Hello? Vava?
You’ll never believe it! Oh, my God! He looks so much like our Bunsha! – Pah!
– It looks very good on you. – Dear Tsar, we must go.
– Perchance… we shalt… We have a plane to catch. Godspeed! May we thank you for everything? You’re a very spirited man! Hello? Shurochka? Can you imagine? Yakin
fell for me like a silly boy. He proposed, and we’re leaving
for our honeymoon. Many kisses. Go! Oh, how beautiful it is!
Beauteous! Beauteous! Cigarette break! – The Swedish Ambassador!
– What’s up, Fedya? The Swedish ambassador
asks for an audience. Bring the ambassador in. Knit your brows! Knit your brows! Der grosse Konig, Des Schwedischen Konigreichs sende
mich, seinen treuen Diener, zu Ihnen, Czar and Grande Duc Ivan Vassilyevich… usarussa. – This foreign tourist speaks well!
– What exactly does he say? I’ll be damned if I know.
Fedya! – We need an interpreter.
– We had one. He was German. He got drunk as a lord
when he had to translate. – So We cooked him in boiled water.
– It’s not the way to treat interpreters. Schwedete armie erobern hut. Answer something.
See, the man goes out of his way. Hitler kaput! Go on, Mister Ambassador.
We absolutely agree with you. – Kemska district.
– Right. Absolutely. Absolutely. Look, comrade.
Excuse us for a minute. I would like to know
what he wants, in general terms. It’s very simple. They want Kemsk Region. They went to
war, so, they say, give it to us. What? Kemsk Region? Ja, Kemska rejion. Ja, ja… Take it if you want it! Oh, God!
I thought it was something important. – But you can’t do it, benefactor.
– The tsar knows what he’s doing. Our state won’t be any poorer for it.
Take it! Take it! Have mercy, our great tsar,
and allow me to speak. What are you doing, son of a bitch?
Some impostor squandering our lands! We shall never have enough regions
for you! So whadda I say my king? Say your king
my warm greetings. Whadda about Kemsk region? Such questions, my dear ambassador,
are not decided at the drop of a hat. We have to consult with comrades.
Come back in a few days. Yes, by the way, here’s a little
souvenir for you from me. Here! Well, auf Wiedersehen!
Goodbye! Au revoir! In short, ciao! Everyone can go! The guards can go, too. The guards can go. Why are you crawling, old chap? The ambassador has lost his chest
decoration. He shouldn’t be so absent-minded. One
should watch his things when in a room. Why are you staring at me? – do You think I took it?
– No, of course not! You didn’t take it, did you? Maybe it has slid under the throne? No. Well, then nothing can be done. What a misfortune! I am again tormented by some
troubling doubts. Shpak’s tape recorder,
the ambassador’s medal… What are you driving at? I’m asking you, you tsar’s mug,
what are you hinting at? The Tartar Prince Yedigey is here
to see the tsar. No.
That’s too much. Calling hours are over.
We have a lunch break. The tsar wishes to refect. – I must be dreaming!
– Just a minute. – Who’s going to pay for this banquet?
– In any case, not us. Fedya, what is in there? Hare’s kidneys, pike heads with garlic.
Black caviar. Red caviar. And from overseas… Eggplant caviar! Beautiful! – Well, tsar, let’s drink.
– Let’s drink. Beauteous! I look for him all over the house, and
here’s he, in someone else’s flat. Why don’t you look me in the eye? Ivan Vassilyevich,
I’ve been burglarized! Everything I’ve got by working
tirelessly, everything is gone! Oh, look at you!
You’re blind drunk! You don’t look like yourself!
What on earth did you put on yourself? – Imported tape recorder, suede jacket…
– He’s drunk! There’s nothing left! He can’t stand on his feet!
Where are you going? Oh, God! What’s going on?
Go home now, alcoholic! Leave me alone, old woman,
I’m being sad. Old woman? You jerk! I’m five years younger than you! Let’s go home, now! You are a witch! Help! Ivan Vassilyevich, calm down. – Witch!
– To be absolutely honest, yes. – And What do You want?
– Dear Ivan Vassilyevich, that’s the list of stolen things. Two tape recorders, two movie cameras,
two cigarette cases. Please! Is it the way to hand in a petition
to the tsar? What do you mean? Stop your
hooliganism! You and your drunken tricks! I’ll file
a collective complaint against you! I see you never stop, lackey! Hello? Is that a psychiatric ward? My husband has got a delirium tremens.
He attacks people with a knife. – Stop! Take the knife away!
– The knife! Just look at our activist!
He’s an armed bandit! – Lowly trash!
– You’re trash yourself! Lackey! The police will decide who’s a lackey
here! Is it the police? – Wait! He’s not Bunsha!
– What do you mean, not Bunsha? He’s Ivan the Terrible. The real one. I’m busy. Call me later. – Oh, my God! What’s going on?
– I revealed a big secret to you. I beg you to promise that you won’t
tell anybody. Of course! You have my word. – Thank You.
– Don’t mention it. Hello? The police? That’s Shpak speaking, who’s been
burglarized. No, it’s not about the robbery.
We’ve got something more weird here. Engineer Timofeyev has a live
tsar in his apartment. No, I don’t drink.
With a dagger, cold steel… I’m giving you my word of honor! I’ll be waiting. I can imagine how they fight now
on Izyum Road. Fedya, what are you doing there, by
the kidneys? Come here, don’t be shy. Here!
Let’s drink to friendship! Listen, old chap, do they accept
jewelry at your pawn shop? – We can arrange it.
– Let’s drink. The tsarina is here, Sire.
She wants to see you. Fedya, go back to the kidneys! It was a
bad move. You don’t look like a tsar. What? Whoa! Whoa!
Who are you talking to, lackey? Dear tsarina! I’m so glad!
Nice meeting you! My pleasure. Hello, I’m the tsar. Nice to meet you.
How do you do, I’m the tsar… Very pleased, I’m the tsar. Nice to
meet you, I’m the tsar. Very pleased. Please, come to our table. This way, please.
Please… Haven’t we met before? – What are you saying, shit?
– Whoa! Whoa! Hey! Waiter!
One order of kidneys for the tsarina. Excuse me for a minute. – Sorry, your name, please?
– Why, I’m Marfa Vassilyevna. Wonderful! Enchanting! Marfa Vassilyevna, how enchanting!
A glass of cardamom vodka? – Oh, no!
– Why? Please, don’t refuse. Your health! Well, everyone keeps saying: tsar,
tsar… You think, Marfa Vassilyevna,
it’s easy to be a tsar? No, on the contrary! Every working man has two days off,
and we, the tsars, have no days off. And our working hours are not fixed. Please, eat, Margarita Vassilyevna.
Everything has been paid for. You know, a tsar’s job is so unhealthy
that we should be given free milk. They wrote it in the Health Magazine that the nervous cells are never
restored. You work and work, our great tsar,
just like a bee! Margo, you alone understand me! – One more glass to Go with a pike head?
– Oh, no! No! Tell me, please, do you have
private rooms here? – I see you’re dead drunk!
– Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Why don’t you play, maestro?
Strike up a song! That’s not a big black cloud coming… A cloud! That’s not a thunderstorm striking… A thunderstorm! That’s the tsar of Crimea, a vile dog… A dog! What do you mean, a dog? How dare you sing such songs
about a tsar? You got out of hand here, without me.
What kind of a repertoire is that? You ought to sing songs for the masses,
something contemporary. Like… how does it go?
Trali-vali, tili-tili. We’re not the tili-tili,
we’re not the trali-vali. Cool it, Vanya. We’ll do everything. Excuse me, what’s your name again? – I’m Marfa Vassilyevna!
– Yes, of course, Marfa. Oh, Marfusha! The night is still young! Give us a line,
and we’ll pick it up. Wait! Quiet! All of a sudden, Out of the blue, Love knocked down Upon my door. Is that it? Is that you?
I couldn’t hope for anything more. Snow was falling, dawn after dawn, Days were rainy and mean. So many years, why were you gone? Where have you ever been? Like in a dream, the doorjust creaked, And suddenly, all made sense. Fate played tricks. Fate intrigued. And here’s our meeting, hence. I froze at sea, traveled by train. I know it was not in vain. No, it was not in vain,
It was not for nothing. All has happened, all came true.
Nobody knows, how. How could I live all this through?
It’s just incredible! Wow! If you wait and take it in,
whatever ever lies in store… Then you can get it, what you dreamed
for, And go hope for more. Everybody dance! Like in a dream, the doorjust creaked, And, suddenly, all made sense. Fate played tricks. Fate intrigued. And here’s our meeting, hence. I froze at sea, traveled by train. I know it was not in vain. No, it was not in vain,
It was not for nothing. A mutiny in the army!
They say that the tsar’s not real! My dear autocrat, we’re done in! I demand that the banquet go on! Why are we done in? Why? This way! Come on, Prince, hurry up!
Send me back! Everything will be ready in 3 minutes. Wait a bit, Ivan Vassilyevich. You’d
better change into your tsar’s clothes. Damn! Do you smoke? You don’t? Good.
I don’t smoke either. So tell me, who are you? – I am the tsar.
– Nickname? – Wait. your name?
– We’re the Ryuriks. – First, second name?
– Ivan Vassilyevich. Ivan… – Date of birth?
– 1533 A.D. – Joking?
– Very funny. – Wait. Residence?
– My palace. What palace?
The address? – What am I accused of, Boyar?
– You’ll meet your boyars in the can! – Was it you who busted Shpak’s place?
– Shpak’s? I took Kazan, I took Astrakhan, I took Revel,
but never Shpak. There he is! You’re bagged!
It serves you right, drunkard! -What’s up, folks? Who are you?
-Lieutenant, I’m this alcoholic’s wife! You’re lying!
How can you be my wife, old woman? See? He got drunk out of his wits!
He can’t recognize his own wife! I had to call the psychiatric ward. Oh, that’s what it’s all about!
That’s why all these ravings. He took Kazan. He took Astrakhan.
He calls himself Ivan the Terrible. It’s delirium tremens.
A typical case. What’s the patient’s real name? – Bunsha, Ivan Vassilyevich.
– You’re lying, witch! I hate him! Attention! Get ready! Take the impostors alive! Black caviar! Red caviar! And from overseas, eggplant caviar! Comrade Timofeyev! Alexander
Sergeyevich! Help me! Ivan Vassilyevich, hurry up!
Goodbye! – are You all right?
– All right. You’ll never believe it! The police will believe it! You will
answer for your anti-social experiments! Sire!
Just a minute! Why do you have police at your door,
comrade scientist? There was a burglary at your friend
Shpak’s today. Really? – We detained One more.
– No, not detained! Not detained. I was on my way
to make a voluntary confession. I’m delighted to hand myself in to my
dear police. I set on it all my hopes. – Who are you?
– Bunsha, Ivan Vassilyevich. So you insist that you’re Ivan
Vassilyevich Bunsha? Your ID, please. – I forgot it at home.
– Who can corroborate your statement? Well, anybody! You may ask my wife,
Ulyana. She will confirm it. Well, well, well. What did you want to make
a voluntary confession about? I confess that against my will, under
the compulsion of Prince Miloslavsky, I acted temporarily as a tsar. A tsar?
You are a tsar, too? Yes, a tsar.
Ivan Vassilyevich the Terrible. You’re lying, dog!
I am the tsar! Hooligan! Everything I’ve got by working
tirelessly, everything is gone! Three tape recorders,
three imported movie cameras, three home-made cigarette cases,
a suede jacket… Three jackets! And they want to be awarded the title
of a house of cultured communal living! Ulyana Andreyevna, tell us again
who he is. I’ve already told you! My husband, Ivan Vassilyevich Bunsha. – They’ll cure you, alcoholic.
– Fine! Then who is this? – Impostor!
– You’re an impostor yourself! Got it? – So, who is he?
-My husband! Ivan Vassilyevich Bunsha. They will cure you, too. – It turns out you’ve got 2 husbands?
– So it turns out. And they’re both Bunshas? Yes, both of them. You’ll be cured. And you’ll be cured. And I’ll be cured, too. What you told me is grandiose!
You’re such a valuable eyewitness! If I were you,
I’d put a dissertation in the can. I ain’t in no hurry.
I can end up in the can any time. Is that it? Is that you?
I couldn’t hope for anything more. Ulyana Andreyevna,
I was faithful to you. The tsarina tried to seduce me,
but I didn’t give in. I swear! – Miloslavsky was almost in our hands!
– George Miloslavsky? – Yes! Arrest him!
– Right. Wait! Hold on! Get him!
Catch Miloslavsky! I was absolutely sure
that I had sent you back. Hurry up, Prince.
Get your machine working. – Where have You been all this time?
-The police bagged me. Framing me up. They’re after me, Prince!
Hurry up! Hurry! Oh, my God! Run, Ivan Vassilyevich! – Hurry, Ivan Vassilyevich!
– Yes, I’m coming! Oh, God, forgive me my sins! Evil spirit! – Farewell, Prince!
– Good luck! Don’t think ill of me. – It’s outrageous!
– You put out electricity again! – He’s taunting us!
– We’re going to complain! Oh, you’re already out of the asylum? – Stop your hooliganism!
– What’s the matter? That’s scandalous! He’s wearing glasses just for nothing!
You’ll be brought to court for that! We send them to college,
and in return we’re going bald! What was it? Was itjust a dream, or was it real? Ivan the Terrible… Miloslavsky… Oh, I forgot. Zina has left me. No, it’s all nonsense! I was just knocked out! And what if it’s not nonsense? My goodness!
What is going on here? You smoked again! And, of course, you didn’t eat
your lunch. – You haven’t left for Gagry?
– What do you mean, Gagry? You’re going crazy
with your machine! Oh, how did you get yourself
such a bump? Zina, tell me the truth. – Where have You been?
– At a rehearsal. All right… Give me a straight answer.
Are you in love with Yakin? – What Yakin? What is it with You?
– Don’t lie to me. He’s your director. We have no director by that name. – Is it true?
– I swear. Hurray! Ciao! Thank you for your attention! The End